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We Fixed Everything, Please Stop Fighting


There is too much controversy and animus in this world. People are fighting over the dumbest things. I see fights at the dog park, at the shopping center, at school board meetings and in line waiting to play skee ball at Chuck E. Cheese (ok, that's not true, but I'm sure it's happened, kids are crazy for those tickets even if 35,000 of them buys a thumbtack). Everything is politicized and everyone has a hot take or the gets the cold shoulder. Personally, I am completely and utterly devoid of shock when people start snapping back at each other, and if I'm becoming immune to it; someone who has an opinion on EVERYTHING, then it's time for change.


We have to start somewhere, as every journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Therefore, I am proposing the following solutions be codified as law, food law. Problems solved. You're welcome.



- Hamburgers and hot dogs are not sandwiches. They become sandwiches once you place them into a bun.




- Tacos are sandwiches because if you take the meat/filling out of the tortilla, then you just have meat in one hand and a tortilla in another. Putting them together makes it a taco, and thus, a sandwich.





- Pineapple does not belong on pizza. Pizza is an italian concept, and while we do not adhere to the concept of authenticity being the be-all/end-all of food (as discussed here),pineapples do not grow in Italy and therefore do not belong on pizza. Once you add pineapple to a pizza, it becomes flatbread (as mentioned in the Rules).


- It is perfectly acceptable to fold your pizza. In many ways, it's the superior method. You don't burn the roof of your mouth on hot cheese, you reduce the risk of sauce spilling on your shirt, etc. But you know what is NEVER acceptable? Eating pizza with a knife and fork (with the possible exception of eating deep dish).




- Ketchup is perfectly fine on hot dogs... if you are under the age of 13. Any older than that and you are probably a sociopath. It's science.







- Caramel is a delicious sweet treat created by cooking down sugar. Carmel is a lovely town in Northern California. Next.







- If you are drinking a flavored carbonated non-alcoholic beverage, it is perfectly acceptable to say you are drinking soda or pop. It is NOT acceptable to say you are drinking Coke unless you are actually drinking a Coke. There are places in this country that will ask you what kind after you order a Coke under the thought process that a Coke is the same thing as generically calling something a soda or pop. This is incredibly incorrect. You do not go to a Chevy dealership and ask to buy a Ford.








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