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Mercato: A Three Part Series: Part Two - Burn After Eating

Updated: Feb 10, 2022


9118 Strada Place, Naples, Fl

With our nourishment handled, The Admiral (aka the artist formerly known as The Playboy, name changed because he's actually a really good dad, not much of a philanderer that the previous name implies, and likes boats) peeled off to go relieve the nanny (not a euphemism) and left Boy Wonder, Meat King, Jamie, just Jamie and yours truly, Mr. Bites to head to our next destination.

Jamie, just Jamie is a big cigar head so we headed toward the only place that made sense for said activity, Burn by Rocky Patel. So in my younger and far more pretentious days, I used to be into cigars, especially while playing blackjack at Hard Rock Casino (pre-Seminole tribe purchase in Vegas). This hobby ended when I inhaled a few puffs running across the street to feed a parking meter and an hour later ended up kneeling to the porcelain Lord, plus that whole "mouth tasting like an ashtray no matter how much you brush" thing got old.

Walking into Burn by Rocky Patel is a bit like walking into the Mos Eisley Cantina, with less Star Wars aliens and shocking violence and more bodycons and smoke..a LOT more smoke. The unique thing about Burn is that a huge chunk of the clientele is female, some smoking cigars, some not, but it's definitely not just old fogies smoking stogies. There's usually a small band performing right when you walk, usually featuring one or two musicians and a lot of backing tracks. There's no real stage though so watch where you step when you walk in or you could unplug their gear.

As soon as we walked in, Wonder Boy realized that the smoke was too much for him. Ironic because this is a man who would drink embers if he could. The scotch he drinks is pure peat and smoke. ("HOW SMOKEY IS IT!?"), but I suppose he prefers to drink his smoke rather than inhale it. This left Meat King, Jamie, just Jamie and I to head into the humidor.

CELEBRITY SIGHTING ALERT: The former Mr. Kardashian The First, Kris Humphries, was there picking out a cigar, dressing like a really really tall member of 98 Degrees.

With their cigars in hand, MK and JjJ headed to the patio and I went to the bar to get a drink. After a brief discussion with the bartender about whether she was being subjected to OSHA violations due to the smoke, I grabbed our cocktails and headed join my friends.

So here's the thing about the Burn patio. It offers possibly the best people watching vantage in all of Naples. Across the way is Cavo, where it's Spring Break every time it's open and down the path is the legendary Blue Martini, which is like Naples version of Studio 54, but with less narcotics and more ED pills being consumed, more on that later...

The only problem with being on the patio is that you MUST sit down, because nothing will make you feel creepier than standing on a patio staring at various people dressed in their Saturday night's freakiest, so we commandeered a table that was being held for a later reservation for the Underhills and we sat, drank and watched the Most Interesting Men And Women In Naples walk on by to get their dance on.

I attempted to get a second drink, but the wait at the bar was too long and my eyes started watering so the Meat King ended up grabbing more cocktails

When he returned with the drinks this happened...wait for it...

Once we saw this, nothing more exciting was going to happen (plus the Underhills showed up), so we headed to our final destination of the night...

To Be Continued..

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